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Posts Tagged ‘toys’

Ok, so it’s a normal morning in our house. Kai and I are playing, making all the farm animals kiss each other and the little construction people (yes I know, condoning bestiality to a one year old, good god my immorality knows no bounds – there may even been some bull on bull kissing action going on). We then get bored of all the kissing and decide to do some jigsaws instead when suddenly I have a LIFE CHANGING REVELATION!!! Yes. For once the capital letters and multiple exclamation marks are justified… (as is the dramatic pause… have you noticed I tend to do them a lot too?)

You see I’ve always been under the impression that I was a bit of a free spirit. My house is cluttered in a kind of hippy disregard for authority (and Pledge) kind of way, my clothes rarely match. I quite often go the entire morning not knowing what I’m going to have for lunch until just before when I will impulsively throw something together and go A-HA! Pizza toast! My friends would probably describe me as creative and pretty random, and I have always been rather proud of that.

But no. My revelation this morning proves that all this is but a facade, an illusion, and that beneath it’s dippy, slightly unkempt exterior lies a deeper, darker side to myself. One I am not so proud of.

I like order. And rules. And boundaries. And safe, predictable things.

I know. Isn’t is awful??

Yes, I know there were clues. The pregnancy file and labour sign were probably two biggies. As is the fact that I frequently spend my evenings doing mathematics FOR FUN as a way of preparing for my degree in the autumn, and that I mark my own answers with large self-satisfying ticks while saying things like “algebra really is brilliant you know”.

And yet this morning still came as something to a surprise to me when my ability to embrace all things chaotic and random was tested and found severely wanting. Not only was a perturbed, I was positively DISTURBED.

By what? Well, by the following:

DSCF3352

By all extents and purposes a harmless, fun jigsaw. But no. Look closer people.

First it lulls you in to a false sense of security. “Oooh shapes and colours” you say. “I understand. One of each shape and one of each colour. Just as it should be. Look Kai lets put the orange circle in the orange circle hole” (good pagan child that he is, the circle is his favourite).

Spurred on by the reassuring logic your brain keeps going. Shapes and colours, yep, and oh look! Animals and counting! Perfect!

Two cats, three zebra, four dogs, four rabbits….wait…that’s not right… we have two fours? And hold on a second, where’s one? Ok I’m feeling a little shaken but I’ll keep going.

And then five. Which cored me to my very marrow. Five…what the hell is this?? Five AMOEBA?

What kind of devil jigsaw is this????

Deep breaths Josie. It’s just a bit of a disordered jigsaw. And that’s ok. We like disorder!

NO WE DON’T!! WE HATE IT! I need to my child’s toys to be predictable and apply the rule of logic! Else where will it all end? Alphabet books that miss out the M and Q?? Madness!!

I’M SCARED KAI!! All my so righteously held convictions are crumbling around me!!

………..

Needless to say I’m ok now. Kai held my hand through my angst, we finished the jigsaw and put it away.

But I fear a part of me has been changed forever. The curtain to my soul has been tweeked aside and for a second I have seen the darkness within.

Perhaps this is only the beginning of a deeper corruption. Today crying over jigsaws, what about tomorrow? Ironing my jeans? Voting Conservative??

*sob*

WHO THE HELL AM I??

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Shhh…. I should be doing housework. But after a few halfhearted attempts I have given up. In the aftermath of birthday celebrations my (extremely small) house looks like a Toys ‘R’ Us, complete with the hyperactive child, harried looking parent and the evoctive smell of sick and wee.

We have a ball-pool. We have TWO play tents and a tunnel. We have a pirate-ship shaped helium balloon three times the size of it’s recipient. And we have several hundred toys that all play different annoyingly shrill sounds and/or songs. Pre-Kai we were always that smug childless couple who gleefully picked out the largest most irritating toy to bequeath on their friend’s offspring. I think it’s safe to say they’ve successfully got their own back.

When phoning our house at the mo you’d be mistaken for thinking you’d accidentally interrupted some kind of farm yard massacre. On a building site. Next to a railway line. With emergency service back-up. Interspersed with the profound and inspirational insights of Thomas the Tank Engine (“Number 1 always comes first”) and Small Digger Man #2 (“Let’s get DIGGING!!) you may also hear the soft thump thump thump as I bang my head repeatedly against the wall.

The fact that the toy manufacturers of most of these toys have mercilessly omitted an off switch is possibly the most concrete proof for the existence of the Devil (and so God) that I have ever come across. Can I hear you say ‘Ei I Ei I Oh?’

In addition to the new toys we also have, of course, THE TRIKE (assembled by AN ADULT of course – with absolutely no swearing whatsoever). Idol of worship, adoration and excitement. The most well received birthday present by a one year old in possibly the history of time. The epic tale of this boy’s love for his bike will no doubt be the stuff of poetry, ballads and multi-million dollar movies for centuries to come. If he had the strength, Kai would certainly have carried it up to bed with him for his nap just now and fallen asleep with his head nestled lovingly on it’s well assembled plastic seat.

When buying said trike however I forgot that we do not have a garage or a shed or any other kind of outside storage apart from a falling down out-house that is already full of washing machine. So we may have to start putting the trike in Kai’s bed cause to be honest I’m don’t know where the hell else we are going to keep it. Or the ball pool. Or the tents. Or the pushchair. Oh or the sand and water table – did I mention that one?

Sitting here and surveying the carnage I’m thinking some kind of Ikea-esque self assembly storage solution type jobby may be in order. Or possibly a new house.

Or a bonfire.

I shall leave you with some photos from Kai’s birthday celebrations, which I’m sure everyone who played some part in it would agree, broke all records for fun, excitement and pirate-related mayhem.

It’s been fab. Just a rather consumerist, halving the living space of my house kind of fab.

Has anyone got any aspirin?

birthday montage

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