I have a confession to make to you.
I am having a love affair. A passionate, toe tingling, heart-wrenching love affair.
I have all the usual ‘being in love’ symptoms. That slightly ill feeling. Random transitory moods of weepiness alternated with extreme euphoria which I can’t quite verbalise. Obsessive thoughts and lying awake at night thinking about the source of my affection, what I want to say to them running round and round my head in an endless loop. An overwhelming, raging guilt at my neglect of my family, friends and the housework in favour of my new love. Paranoia (maybe they don’t love me back, maybe I’m not good enough!), and taking every single fleeting opportunity to sneak away and dirty myself in its embrace.
I should probably explain (and quick before my husband reading this at work falls off his chair).
It’s not another man. It’s this damn writing business.
I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s all I want to do. All. The. Time. God I’m a little sweaty just sitting here typing. I almost cried with relief when Kai decided he was tired and needed a nap. Just so I could sit and fire up the laptop with shaky hands and blissfully tap out some words.
Is there a Writers’ Anonymous group or something? Cause I think I need a referal.
*sigh*
But that’s the problem. That’s what’s making me weep into my keyboard and mope about like some pretentious, post-modern artiste with a floppy fringe and leggings and a wistful look. I’m NOT a writer. I don’t even pretend to be. I have no experience of it. In fact, this blog (and couple of others on various topics peppered about the bloggosphere) are the sole fruits of my writing efforts.
But, but, BUT! I think I want be… or at least… oh I don’t know.
I’ve seen you fellow bloggers. In you ‘About Me’s. You list yourselves as writers, or freelancers, or ex-copy writers, or editors or whatever. And I internally seethe. At your confidence, your skill, your experience. Or even worse – you DON’T put ‘writer’ in your intro but instead scream it with every glorious, perfectly constructed, flawless entry.
I bet you have perfect hair and shiny teeth too. And tidy houses. I just know it. Oh how I hate you.
Except I don’t of course. Because I secretly love you. Love your lives, love your talent and your creativity. It’s what brings me back to your blogs over and over, leaving hesitant, unsure comments, or not doing so and slinking off unobseved because all I can think of to say is “I wish I could write something so beautiful”.
How did you get where you are? Where does a mummy blogger with appalling spelling and not one creative writing course to her name even begin? What is it I even want? What does this annoying internal yearning mean?
I guess I just have to write. ‘Writer’ seems an accolade I am a very long way from deserving. But I guess everyone has to start somewhere and I think maybe here is ‘it’. And hopefully I’ll figure out what what the hell it is I’m looking for and what I want to write about along the way.
God this is all sounding very pretentious isn’ it? I’ll stop now…
This doesn’t sound pretentious at all. Go for it!
In fact I was going to mail you anyway about the possibility of you writing a guest post for us. I read you avidly!
Ooh sounds exciting! I’ll look forward to your email! x
It seems to me that you already are a writer with all of that passion in you and with the wonderful style in which you write. I would apply the title if I were you and not feel ashamed about it one bit. If you are interested in getting a start writing very short stories, I can recommend Six Sentences to you. It’s a great way to get started and you’ll find me on both of the sites there. One of them is the formal site and one o f them is the more informal and fun site, where you can try out anything. When you google Six Sentences you’ll find both of them.
Ciao…
Thank you for being so affirming and lovely. I will have a look at the site you mentioned, thanks xx
Oh I know exactly how you feel…how inconvenient of the children to get in the way of me blogging all the time. I am a bit worried about the effect its having seeing me permanently attached to my laptop though.
Kai is starting to get very annoyed with me if I try and sneak in a bit of writing time when he’s awake! He’s playing nicely so I quietly turn on the laptop only for him to jump up with rage and start shaking his head at me. No mummy!! So looks like it’s nap/bed time for me or nothing *sob* x
Yes…….. I did indeed almost fall off my chair :S
Oops… sorry honey! x
You have managed to encapsulate exactly how I felt/feel after beginning this blogging lark some months ago. Today I still write post after post in my head and lay awake thinking of how best to phase this, word that. I also get very nervous and also a sick anxious feeling in my stomach when I have the opportunity to grab some precious time with the computer – my ramblings seem so inconsequential, so inarticulate compared to many other blogs that I so fervently admire.
However I love your writing. I am in awe that you have the courage to sit down and write so frequently. And I totally regard you as a Writer, whether you do or not. Please keep it up. And may the love affair last a very long time!
I don’t know about courage, it’s more write or die at the moment. No that’s a bit melodramatic – more like write or piss everyone off with my moodiness. Thank you for your kind comment though – it means a lot x
Oh yes, I too can understand your feelings. I do have the temerity (ok I’ll be nice to myself and say confidence) to call myself a writer although of course, I’m not really a ‘Proper Writer’. But then, maybe it is about just having the confidence in who you are. I think you write very well.
I have discovered so much great writing and new thinking since I began blogging. The only problem I have is trying to keep up!
I think confidence is about 99% of being a ‘writer’ as opposed to just ‘writing’. I’m really hoping mine might creep up on me one day without me realising…
Yes I can identify with what you’re saying. I’ve always written things, most of it remains unread because I’m embarrassed about it. I’d have loved to written for a living but wandered off down the wrong career path (finance, yawn).
Like you, I have lots of ideas for blog posts. I suffer from a ‘post blog post’ downer where I think I’ve got a really good idea, write and post it and then afterwards I think it’s really terrible. Now that is sad.
Hands up here for the post blog post downer moment too. And that fleeting moment of terror and paranoia when I finally press the ‘publish’ button that I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake in daring to write anything at all and should go and hide under a rock…
Did you read my mind and put it into your post? You describe my madness perfectly.
Very relieved to hear it’s not just me! x
I found you through the Not Drowning Mother blog because “sleep is for the weak” is a phrase I’m always saying!
I love the honesty in this post.
Here’s the truth – writers do not have clean homes. They are proud of this fact. I have writer friends, editor friends and a writer in the family.
There homes are clean only when: they have really bad writers block and a tight deadline or they get that multibook contract and hire a maid for a few months (until the housekeeper starts driving them crazy by “putting things away” and they fire him / her -usually her- and go back to living in a messy house)
Have fun writing!
Thanks for stopping by Lynn! And for giving me a valid excuse to neglect the housework… always appreciated.
I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. I am an engineer, which I think is as far away from being a writer as can be. But I want to write. I want to be a writer. I don’t know how. I’ve only just admitted it to myself.
But everyone has to start somewhere, right? That’s what I tell myself Every. Single. Day.
You write so well – I love your writing. And I think that the people who blog are people who love writing (or why would we do it) and it is a chance for us all to tinker around with words and have other people read it. It’s wonderful.
I’m not a writer. I have toothache. I have greasy hair and currently a bad hair cut. And my house is sooooooooo far from tidy – and you know what, the cleaner came this morning. Curses!
I agreed with your post, every word. xx
In my humble opinion – you are a writer when you are….read.
Which makes you a prolific, and much loved writer!
Keep going….at the end of this road there may even be a…book hiding 🙂