It’s been a long day. It’s been a tiring day. More than anything, it’s been a slightly disquieting day.
Because now, sat here writing to you, I suddenly find myself a Baptised Christian.
Yes friends you read that right.
“But Josie!” I hear you cry! “Are you not famous for your public and extremely vocal rejection of organised religion, favouring instead a more free-thinking, spiritually diverse discourse?”. Well, yes! Yes I am, person with a very eloquent way of putting it!
Ok, an involuntary Baptised Christian.
For today I went to a Christening.
Now I don’t like Christenings. As a non-Christian there is nothing more likely to cause me spiritual and philosophical discomfort, and internal pew fidgeting than the Christening or Baptism of a baby. But, as my friends will keep insisting on producing gorgeous offspring, and as I love these friends and respect their choices, from time time I find myself attending one.
Needless to say, we didn’t have Kai Christened, opting instead to be the first of anyone we knew to write and conduct our own naming ceremony. Caused quite a few raised eyebrows amongst the elderly relatives but once they’d got over the misconception that it would involve some kind of elaborate goat sacrifice and women with bare breasts and names like “Ephinany Moon-Jewel” (it didn’t), it actually all went down rather well.
But other people? Well they like Christenings don’t they? It’s a big rite of passage for them and their child and a cause of much celebration and excitement and joy and silver plated trinket boxes. And that’s fair enough. So several times a year I force myself to swallow back my self-righteous opinions, put on something fancy, and… *deep breath*… go to church.
Today was one of those days.
So there we are. At church. Ant is resplendent in a badly pressed shirt and I am wearing make-up (an even rarer event than me attending church) and posh trousers with only a little amount of baby leakage on. And there are my lovely friends. H looking beautiful and radiant with an adorable new-mummy glow, and her precious new baby breaking all records for unbelievable cuteness and prettiness and making me rethink the whole “I’m not ready for another baby” with just a few heartbreaking smiles.
Kai has been miserable with a cold the last day or two and was not on best form, starting to whinge and squirm within a record ten seconds of the service beginning. So I quickly made a hasty retreat to the back of the church to the children’s play corner to observe the rest of the proceedings from afar whilst playing Thomas the Tank Engine Goes Large and Liturgical (very very quietly) .
And it’s all going ok! Kai’s only had one minor meltdown when a small child dared to look at him funny and I have done my usual trick of zoning out through the particularly irksome parts. Me and Kai did some half-hearted dancing and clapping to the hymn sung to the tune of the Flintstones just to show willing (Flintstones??! Yes really. Let no one say that church is not cool) and stood up to wave and smile at the important dunking moment.
And then it happened.
Young female vicar with a rather forced air of ‘hip and happening’ mumbled something about honouring all OUR Baptisms (a rather arrogant assumption if you ask me but there you go) and began prancing around the church waving a bunch of sticks spraying holy water all over the unwitting congregation (ironically if we’d done anything similar at Kai’s naming ceremony, no doubt all the ERs would have immediately condemned it as some kind of new age witchcraft tomfoolery!). Now I renounced my childhood Baptism when I decided that Christianity was no longer for me, (yep, I’m going straight to hell, but at least I won’t be going there a hypocrite!). So as hip vicar ambled her way towards me little did she know that she was approaching something of a clean sheet. Nope. No taint of Baptism here.
It took me a minute to figure out what was happening. First I saw my husband a few pews in front take an unsuspecting hit, and before I knew it, she was upon me. And upon Kai.
I saw Ant turn quickly round with a look of shock and apprehension on his face as he realised what was about to happen. He later told me in the car that he turned fully expecting to see a scene straight out of ‘The Bodyguard’ in which I, with a slow-motion NOOOOOOOOO! threw my unprotected body in front of Kai’s poor defenseless form to take the hit in his place, the holy water hissing as it hit my heathen skin. In reality, nothing quite so exciting happened, Kai (with more foresight than I) chose that moment to duck behind some soft play apparatus…
…but I wasn’t so lucky. No that’s right, I was blessed (and no, the water didn’t make a hissing sound as it hit me).
It was quite a shock I can tell you. Inadvertant baptism was certainly NOT on my lists of things to do that day.
But do you want to know what was worse?
Ant hurried over soon after looking pale and anxious (and a little damp) which I initially assumed was in anticipation of my inevitable (and probably vocal) rage over the whole affair.
But no.
Because as she feverishly sprayed the congregation, sitting, inoculously on top of the pew was a beautiful one-of-a kind hand-made piece of stationary I had crafted at the request of my friend for their after-Chistening Party. And now, held in Ant’s trembling hand was said piece of priceless creativity. Covered in water drops with the ink running in big blobs.
Unbelievable. Who knew church was such a dangerous place?
So what do you think I should sue them for first? The forced indoctrination into their religion? Or the ruined handy-crafts?
Either way, next time I’ll be sure to remember to wear my anti-baptism waterproof suit and keep my belongings in a zip-up plastic bag. Just in case it’s another Christening of the ‘spray-per-view’ variety.
P.S. Congratulations H & D – despite the unexpected inclement indoor weather it was a lovely occasion and you both looked such a picture of pride and contentment (and L is LOADS prettier than all the other babies). Sorry we had to leave early – absolutely nothing to do with the accidental baptism and everything to do with a very tired, grumpy baby needing an early night! Love you loads x
Since I became a parent almost seven years ago, I have only been invited to one christening.
Luckily for my husband, our youngest child fell asleep on the way there so he “had to stay in the car” during the ceremony.
I gave my eldest child the choice “car or church” and he chose “car”. (and I found myself thinking “That’s my boy…”).
My daughter and I didn’t last long inside the church because she appeared to start talking in tongues – quite loudly – and since I wasn’t sure if it was God’s Word or The Devil she was channeling, I thought it best to remove her from the ceremony. Just in case.
I like the sound of your kids… a lot.
I definitely approve of the “car or church” option too – I wish I’d had that when I was little! Unfortunately church was obligitory… probably because my dad was the Vicar.
Oh….that was a bit sneaky wasn’t it. Hoping to get all those missed as children. Hope you are not all too scarred by your experience.
I’ve recovered I think thanks. Just a bit itchy where the damn holy water hit me but I don’t think it’s going to leave a scar…
Hi Sweetie! Just logged on to check my e mails after 1) trying to get dave to sleep in bed, minus his suit, shoes and the remains of the KFC (none boneless, no-coleslaw-cheapo) bucket we had for lunch before the madness began! 2) unloading the car of all lucys presents, i swear she has more than our wedding gifts altogether! and 3) then feeding and changing her… hence its twenty to one in the morning and im on facebook (sad i know!!)
Your blog really keeps me smiling sometimes you know chick when ive had a rough day or someone (you know who i mean) has just generally pssed me off.
Thankyou both sooooo much for coming today, it was lovely to see you and kais smiling face and the sign was perfect, it will be a lovely story to tell Lucy when shes older!
Hope Kai bear is feeling better soon thank god (see the pun there!) for calpol eh??!
Right, best go upstairs to hear the drunken mutterings from drunk husband, he has just asked me to “make sure i check the rear axle??” presumably hes having random drunk dreams about his day at work tomorrow HA HA HA serves him right!
Love you xxxxx
The sign was NOT perfect!! It WAS perfect to begin with though till that woman desicrated it! For a perfectionist like me it was quite an ordeal I can tell you – I was all for running home and doing you another one. Thank you for being understanding though – I’ll do better next time I promise (I shall laminate it).
xxxxxxx
I think it’s awfully presumptuous to go around swatting people with holy water when nobody has the least idea what the inclination of each individual is. It’s as bad as having your house toilet papered because your teen aged daughter lives there. It seems to me some respect and consideration ought to have been shown by the clergy instead of this all around happy swatting that was so out of place. It seems that nowadays people don’t know what boundaries are anymore and cross them with the fullest enthusiasm and naivety.
It was presumptious. VERY presupmtious. A stroppy email will be winging it’s way there very soon… x
As one of the elderly relatives potentially referred to above, I would like to make it clear that I have never met a woman who’s breasts had names at all, especially not Epiphany and Moon-Jewel! Pinky and Perky possibly x
Will dad, since it was you that lead it, I guess that makes YOU the bare breasted Epiphany!
x
Is it wrong that I am giggling?
We had a naming ceremony rather than a Christening and had a brilliant time (no bare breasted prancing in sight).
I’ll forgive you the giggles. Once I’d got over my indignant outrage I found it kinda funny too.
Hurray for another Naming Ceremony convert! Disappointed in the lack of bare-breasted prancing though – I felt it was lacking in ours…
x
I also hate going to Christenings. Mostly because the majority of those I have attended are for the offspring of parents who never set foot in a church apart from for weddings, christenings and funerals. So there you all are, hand on heart confirming that you will all be responsible for bringing up the child in the church and it is all so hypocritical that it makes my toes curl.
I too had naming ceremonies for both boys and they were incredibly personal and fun and involved all the people that we sincerely hope will be included in the ongoing adventure of their lives. God was not invited – although I think if she had had a break in her hectic schedule and had gatecrashed, she would have been happy with the love and good intentions that abound on those 2 loveliest of days.
Whoop for another naming ceremony convert! I’m annoyingly evangelical about them now. I totally agree, Christenings are fine IF you believe in what they mean. If not, then why the hell are you doing it? Just because ‘that’s what everyone does?’ VERY annoying.
As one of the “hypocrites” mentioned above who had her daughter christened rather than an alternative naming ceremony.
I would like to point out that at no time does anyone ‘confirm, hand on heart that i will bring my child up in the church’ you are infact advised and given the option to NOT repeat any of the vows during the service if you do wish.
I did marry in our local village church and chose to have a christening for my own personal reasons, this was not because its the ‘in’ thing to do but a family tradition… and no, i dont attend church regularly but this does not mean that I dont have my own beliefs however strong or misguided.
My friend had a naming ceremony for her son and the day was a lovely and enjoyable occasion for all – this was her choice and the close friends which were declaring to play a part in her sons life mean the same as my daughters godparents, I would however, never dream of belittling her life choices or anyone elses for that matter.
Whatever peoples choices are people should respect them
Certainly wasn’t refering to you honey – you made your day meaningful because it was important to you and your family.
I think the point was it has to mean ‘something’ – whatever that may be to people, rather than just being an excuse for a party or empty words.
For some people Christenings will give them that sense of meaning, for other’s naming ceremonies. At the end of the day we’re all just celebrating the same thing, just in a different way. The most important thing is that we do what reflects us as people and as the parents we hope to be.
But Christenings (by definition!) are a religious, Christian ceremony so do require some belief in the thoughts and meaning behind them. Doesn’t mean you have to go to church regularly but I would argue that it does mean you have to have to subscribe in some way to the ideas being presented.
xx
I would have found it VERY rude to have my baptism honored (as renounced as it is like yours), and as for my 20 month old, what baptism? Like you, I may have been too shocked to find my tounge and simply have bitched about it to hubby afterwards
At 6 months, we had a naming party for our son, his bithday is on Christmas eve, so it seemed the perfect time for a party. We didn’t have a ceremony, it was very relaxed, and we simply had all our very “special” relatives arrive early to share a toast to welcome him to the world. We then proceeded to play in the garden all day surounded by friends. Hubby’s aunties refered to is as an “alternative Christening” (and you just know they were using the quotation marks too) and miraculourly coudn’t make it….my family are much less religious and didn’t bat an eyelid. When Boy is old enough, he can make his own decisions bout religion, he may want to be baptised. Or become a wiccan, or whatever!!
We attended my nephew’s Chritening a few weekends ago (he is 12m), and decided that only I would be attending the ceremony, as Boy is very boistous and loud and unable to sit or stand still EVER. Sothey stayed at home and had lunch, meeting us for the party afterwards. Much less stressful, and very enjoyable.
Great post. Great pictures playing though my head! lol